This town is full of monsters

Sunny suburban Surbiton

My eyes flickered from the screen of my mobile phone to the train window.  I didn’t know the best tube route to take and I was already running late.  The London Eye loomed maliciously and expensively in the near-distance.  I snapped my phone shut and picked up a free paper from the floor, trying to distract myself.

I’d spent the whole day, as I did two or three times a week, handing out copies of my CV to no avail.  At first, I’d been a bit selective, going into cafes and music stores, but after two months of being jobless, I gave up all pretensions.  And what did it matter?  I wasn’t even suitable to wash dishes in a cafe.  I’d been told as much.

“This train is now approaching London Waterloo.”

The bitch in the automatic announcement sounded so prim until she said “London”.  I’d spent my last ten pounds on the travelcard.  I felt like I couldn’t keep mooching off of my boyfriend and his flatmate, but what more could I do?  Even temp agencies wouldn’t take me on.  The frustration boiled over, tears coming to my eyes.

I suddenly hated everyone on the 16:08 from Surbiton.  All of London, too.  I dreaded being on the tube, surrounded by Londoners and their absent stares, tangible desperation not to be bothered, and their right-wing newspapers.

I realized then that it had been weeks since I’d interacted with someone I wasn’t trying to get a job from.

The train came to a stop.  I stabbed at the button to open the doors and rushed down the platform, one hand searching through pockets for that damned travelcard.  A ticket guard stood at the exit into the station.  Head down, ticket held eye-level, I went past him.

A few steps into the station, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Are you alright there?”  It was the guard.

My eyes flashed up at him and it was clear to both of us that I was not.

“I’m fine,” I said thinly, trying to make my accent ambiguous.

He smiled tentatively, turning slowly back to where the ticket barriers should have been.  “Have a good day, miss.”

I sobbed my way on to the tube, silent apologies to the city in every tear I wiped away. I would just have to try harder.